Knit 1, Read 2

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Computer Cleanup Time

Found this I wrote about 2 years ago. Thought a couple of you might get a kick out of it and recognize a few people you may have known.

Southern Hair

I’m a woman in the midst of an identity crisis. I have a New Jersey native cutting my Southern hair. It isn’t that she doesn’t do a wonderful job, if and when I leave her to her own devices, it’s the communication barrier. She doesn’t understand the full range of hairism of the South.

First, there is Basic Southern Hair. This style has been adopted and refined by the LSU, Ole Miss, Georgia Tech, and Bama girls. It stretches across racial and economic cultures as easily as cornbread and biscuits. These women have “dos” that defy convertibles, damp football stadiums, early morning grocery shopping at the Hills, and children. These women always have perfect hair. It adapts itself to the circumstance to look lovely and dew kissed in pouring rain; it will look sexy and smart in the hot summer humidity; and best of all, it never looks styled. This style is the most expensive and most time consuming to maintain of all the Southern hair groups. BSH (Basic Southern Hair) comes with an obligatory set of heels and manicured nails. Pearls optional.

Then there is Full Gospel Hair. Full Gospel is not confined to religious groups who set a great store by a woman’s crown of glory. Neither is FGH always long and teased, or ratted to Heaven, as we like to say in the South. FGH has only one real qualification. Hair spray. For a while during the misguided 90’s, an economy can of Final Net was difficult to find at the local Wal-Mart. Droves of women took to shopping for hair products exclusively at beauty supplies and flea markets. Retailers finally got the message: We all weren’t longing to be Earth Mothers with stringy unkempt locks pulled back in a tacky scrunchy that matched our tee shirts. Hair spray is a necessary commodity to keep the crown and bangs at fresh-from-the-salon levels for days at a time. (Since the reintroduction of large cans of hair spray Wal-Mart stock has split twice.) Full Gospel hair always looks styled for any occasion. However, depending on the socio-economic upbringing of the wearer of FGH, you may catch her in curlers mowing the yard or just sort of flinging it all on the top of her head and holding it there with a coated rubber band to go to the Little League game or to drop the kids off at school. FGH can be maintained with ease by visiting a salon twice per decade or alternate presidential terms in the case of two term incumbents. Usually, whatever hairstyle was popular during the senior year of high school will serve well for thirty plus years. FGH comes complete with a range of clothing styles that make teenaged daughters groan whenever Mom goes out in public.

Finally, we come to Country Star Hair. CSH has been noticed, noted, and documented by several celebrity infochat shows. Often they interview stars’ stylists, who are major contributors to the Southern economy. Country Star Hair is made up of several elements, normally. First, there is the demi-wig or more recently, extensions. Then, we have products to create volume or lift. These gadgets look much like floral oasis. I don’t think you add water, though. Of course, the obligatory sprays, gels, mousses, clays, and mortar are all used to the extent that the ozone is thinning around certain tour venues. Finally, if the star insists and only if they’ve come to the music scene lately, some stylists will even incorporate the star’s own hair. Many Southern women strive to emulate CSH. Many Southern men succeed. Case in point, the mullet. The CSH must change with every new album cover or new spouse, whichever is the more frequent occasion. CSH comes with a navy or white ball cap to wear everywhere but church and of course on the new album cover.

CSH and FGH should not be confused with the subgroup, Texas Hair. Texas Hair is the subgroup into which almost all beauty contestants fall. Some contestants are moving toward the more natural look of Basic Southern Hair which is making identification of true Texans with Texas Hair easier to spot. My husband was recently at a convention in Denver when two women entered the conference hall. My husband turned to his companion and remarked, “Those women are from Texas.” Of course, his friend didn’t believe him. As the ladies came nearer, my husband commented their dress and hair declared the women were from the Dallas-Fort Worth area. When the two women happened to sit at the adjoining table, the friend couldn’t help but start a conversation to test the theory. He was utterly flabbergasted when the women introduced themselves and mentioned they were from Plano, TX, a suburb of…Dallas. Texas Hair comes with clothing that is tastefully and expensively embroidered or spangled.

Where my stylist and I can’t seem to find common ground is where my hair needs to fall. Most often, her choice is on the salon floor. I lean a bit more to FGH and CSH. She is trying to convert me to BSH, which is strange. She always has what looks like CSH to me, but as she has explained, it is not Southern hair at all. What she has is Atlantic City Hair. Ahhh. Maybe I need a trip to the Boardwalk for a little foreign exchange work. I wonder if ACH comes with skinny jeans and little designer tee shirts?

3 Comments:

  • I am ready and able to do the required logos and art work for the ACH line of designer tee shirts. This will be complete with sequens, jewels, and of course a pair of dice and poker chips scattered about.
    We have a sub group of ACH in the Mid-south area called Tunica Style Hair.

    By Blogger Artist-Tim, at 11:13 AM  

  • We went to see tht moveie about everything coming to life at ngiht in the museum yesterday...it was an ok move, but some one with BIG Southern hair in from of us almost ruined it! Thanks hevens for elevated seats in cinamas now

    By Blogger Tammie's Thoughts, at 7:51 AM  

  • I spent the majority of my life with my Texas Hair. It was a natual head of slightly curly, full-bodied hair that was a gift from God. I could achieve the regular Texas Hair easily or I could move to the Basic Southern Hair at will. Age has changed my hair. It is now some limp, almost straight white stuff that I can hardly recognize. Thank goodness for Chad who can give me a decent haircut but the volume can not be recovered. Sigh....

    As besides that I am not in Italy any longer! Phhhttttttttttt!

    By Blogger BW, at 8:12 AM  

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